Shedding Layers

 [Note: this post was originally published on September 8, 2023] 

The hard part of healing

 Healing is never a one and done sort of thing. It’s a long process, with ups, downs, some stepping back while other times stepping forward. Something that’s come up for me recently is having to accept that I don’t like who I used to be. Some people told me at that time how I was “so selfish.” As you might guess, I didn’t take that very well. What I didn’t understand at the time was that I was a reflection of some of the key people who had shaped me as a child.  

I was a living, breathing embodiment of other people’s values and beliefs. The real me was buried under so many layers of conditioning I didn’t even know she existed, who she was, or what she wanted. The way I lived my life as that person, only reacting to external situations through unconscious beliefs, makes me feel sad and so disappointed. There are some deep regrets for that part of my life. And yet, there’s no going back to “fix” any of that. I have to make peace with that version of myself.  

I was reminded of this while reading the book “Lighter: Let go of the Past, Connect with the Present, and Expand the Future” by Yung Pueblo (I highly recommend his Substack as well!). I’ll be honest, I’ve picked this book up and put it down a couple of times. It was hard for me to start reading because I can feel the honesty in his words and sometimes that’s a hard read to stick with. However, in my own healing journey, I have learned I have to stick with the hard things and work through them. No more ignoring these feelings. 

I read this passage a few nights ago and it coincided with me having these hard feelings about who I used to be: 

 “Let go of the idea that who you are is whatever you impulsively do and recenter yourself on the fact that authenticity is a quality that requires strengthening and cultivation. Also accept that your authentic self can change and mature over time – you are not stuck in old ideas, patterns, and identities. 

“Being intentional is the same as being authentic. Staying in alignment with your values and with the version of yourself you are working on cultivating is the fundamental aspect of authenticity that opens the door to the real you. Without intention, you would be aimless. Through intention, you reveal who you really are.” [emphasis in original text] 

That person who I used to be reacted impulsively based on the many layers of other people’s values and beliefs sitting on top of my heart and my mind, my true self. In finally, slowly, shedding those old ideas, old patterns, and old identities, I am able to allow my true self to emerge. It’s a little weird to think about how long she’s been buried down there, under everyone else’s beliefs, values and expectations, but it’s also gratifying to know that she’s still there. 

This led me back to my post on Forgiveness. My own form of forgiveness, as I described in that post, must also apply to my own past selves in order for my present self to move forward. While I am not always proud of who I was or the things I said and did, I am aware now that I am no longer that person. The gift of self-awareness is that I can now see who and how I was at that time, and make the conscious choice that I don’t want to be that person now.  

There is no going back, but I am grateful I can now be here in the present, where I get to decide who I want to be and how I want to move into the future. I am focused on the values and beliefs I know are truly mine now.  

We can all start this journey from wherever we are right now. It’s not easy. There’s no magic pill that instantly makes it all better or easier. You really have to work on seeing yourself as you truly are and then decide what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.

All I can say is that the rewards for living authentically are worth every bit of the effort you put in. 

P.S. I’m still reading the book, so there may be more posts in the future about how I’m finding more out about letting go and becoming more of my true self. If this sort of self-work interests you, I recommend picking up a copy of the book and following his Substack. I am not paid for this; I’m simply sharing what is working for me.