How I'm Healing, Part 4: Manipulative Communication

[Note: this post was originally published on Substack April 1, 2025]

Learning about Communication Types is a key to Healing

 PUBLICATION NOTE: I am moving this blog over to my website. Substack has been fun, but now it feels like it’s way too big for the kinds of things I want to discuss. If you receive this through email, nothing will change. You will still receive an email when I post a new blog entry. This is the last post I’m posting directly to Substack.

The fourth type of unsuccessful communication I wanted to discuss is Manipulative Communication. We've all done it, but some people are clearly better at it than others.

Manipulation is when someone says or does things they hope will cause the other person to feel guilty and do what the manipulator wants. The person being manipulated often feels confused because the manipulator is trying to make them feel bad.

As listed in Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, some examples include:

• Making an issue you have with them seem like an issue with you (gaslighting)

• Asking for help at the last minute and informing you that they have no other options

• Telling a story that’s intended to evoke pity

• Leaving out critical parts of the story to persuade you to support them

• Withholding affection to get you to feel bad or change your behavior

• Using your relationship with them as a reason that you “should” do certain things, e.g., “wives should cook”

Sometimes, these people are narcissistic and deeply invested in manipulating you and making you feel bad. I've had these people in my life in the past. They still show up from time to time, however, I am learning that I need to keep my distance.

And sometimes, they are people who haven't held boundaries, and this is the only way they've learned to claw back something they feel like they lost. They probably learned this behavior pattern growing up and continue to use it in adulthood because they haven't learned anything different yet. I fell into this camp.

When you go through a healing and self-awareness journey, you get the benefit / pain of looking back on when you had your own bad behaviors on full view. If you're like me and didn't have any boundaries and often felt like a victim-people-pleaser combo, then maybe you sometimes felt like you needed to say something dramatic or edited (to just the "good" parts) to get the attention you so desperately craved because you've neglected your own needs for so long and have nothing left for yourself.

Yes, I have to admit I've done this recently. If you're a regular reader, you might remember this post from January. I had allowed myself to fall into a bad emotional space. I fell back into codependency and manipulative communication was a part of that behavior. When these forces combine, it's emotional and hurtful.

In addition, I have recently realized that someone I thought was a new friend is actually someone who thrives on manipulative communication. It's always a hard day when you realize that the person you thought was a friend has been manipulating you for their own gains. This is often a psychological gain - by putting us down, it makes them feel better about themselves in some way.

The sting of letting them go is still there. I have never made friends easily, so letting one go is hard. Recognizing this now, and not years later, is a huge benefit of the work I’ve done to become more self-aware and set boundaries that protect me.

As humans, we often recognize this behavior quickly and learn to dislike and avoid it. It feels inauthentic because IT IS. 

When we heal from burnout, healing from inauthentic behaviors, like using manipulative communication, is a part of the process. It's like ripping the band-aid off of your heart. It hurts because you realize that you've hurt people you didn't want to hurt, including yourself.

I will say that going through this healing process, while difficult and taking far longer than I ever imagined, is a bit like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. It feels like I'm finally finding the person I thought I was, the person I wanted to be. It also feels like I can finally give some comfort to that little girl that had to grow up in a difficult family situation long ago. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m open to learning, and that’s the gift.

If you want someone to talk to who’s been there, you can reach out to me at Dandelion Fields Community.