How I'm Healing, Part 3: Aggressive Communication

[Note: this post was originally published on Substack March 18, 2025] 

Learning about Communication Types is a key to Healing

The third type of unsuccessful communication is Aggressive Communication. This is where someone is attacking another person with harsh, pushy, or demanding words and behaviors, instead of stating what they want.

I'm guessing we’ve all been so aggravated with someone that we've fallen back into this behavior.

Examples include:

• Demeaning others to make your point

• Using yelling, name-calling, and cursing as tactics to convey your opinion

• Using the past to shame people

• Being loud and wrong

• Confronting people to pick a fight

• Using cynical humor to ridicule

We all know someone that uses this as their primary form of communication, and I'm betting that none of us want to be around that person. This is often the classic bully.

In the past, I was usually a very passive person (aka people pleaser with no boundaries), so when things got to a point where I could no longer tolerate them, this is often the form of communication that came out in an explosion of angry words. It didn't happen often, but it did happen. And there were often some damaged or broken relationships left in the wreckage.

To be fair, we learn this, like all of these communication styles, as children. I often saw this in my family, and it left a mark. When we have an aggressive person in our close family relationships, it can be difficult to feel safe enough to set a boundary, and yet, this is when it's really important to.

The key is to know your tolerance level for how much time you can spend with that person and find a way to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable setting that boundary. Your body will tell you, if you are listening, what that tolerance is.

Key note here: feeling uncomfortable setting a boundary is NOT the same as feeling unsafe in a situation! Stay safe!

This doesn’t mean putting yourself in an unsafe situation. However, it may feel uncomfortable telling this person that you are setting some sort of boundary with them. It could be a limit on how much time you spend with them or where you draw the line for how they speak to you.

Honestly, I’m seeing a lot more of this even in my own friendships as what’s happening in the US and around the world continues to cause people far more stress and anxiety than before. It can be jarring and unexpected when they lash out at you. And it will probably hurt, especially if they haven’t been very aggressive with you in the past.

When this happened to me recently, I had to sit with my pain and journal about the incident for a couple of days before I could understand what my tolerance of this person was going to be. We’re still in the process of working things out. I don’t know how it will end at this point. However, I know I have to set a boundary with this person.

If you're in a situation with someone right now who defaults to this communication style, do what you need to do to stay safe, but also work on getting some time away from that person. You may need to seek professional help to learn how to better manage your situation and get additional help. It's worth it to go through this and get yourself into a safer environment.

As with all of these communication styles, it can be difficult to face yourself and the work you need to do. However, managing aggressive behavior, whether it's our own or another's, is very important to healing and maintaining our wellbeing.

If you want someone to talk to who’s been there, you can reach out to me at Dandelion Fields Community.