How I'm Healing, Part 2: Passive Communication

[Note: this post was originally published on Substack March 4, 2025] 

Learning about Communication Types is a key to Healing

Returning to my previous post about Communication Types, the next unsuccessful communication type I wanted to share with you was the Passive type.

If you have ever just let someone do something you didn't agree with to "keep the peace," even though you really didn't agree with it, that's being Passive.

Passive behavior is the communication style we default to when we don't want to, or don't feel safe to, have a discussion about a topic. It could be because we don't feel comfortable setting a boundary, or because we don't feel confident in our position, or we're scared about what someone will think about our idea.

Passive behavior includes:

• Having an issue but not saying anything

• Allowing people to do and say things with which you disagree

• Ignoring things that are triggering for you

I excelled at being Passive. I didn't want to rock any boats or call any attention to myself or my needs, so "going with the flow" and doing whatever someone else wanted fit very well into this dynamic.

Everything from "What should we order for dinner?" to "Where do you want to go on vacation?" got an enthusiastic (or not so enthusiastic, if I’m being honest), "Whatever you want!" If I didn't express a need, no one could judge me or deny me or make me feel like an idiot, a glutton, etc.

What I didn't count on was how much that hurt me. Eating food I didn't really like or want, going places where I wasn't comfortable, doing things I didn't want to do, all continued to add up to a point where I couldn't ignore it. This buildup is part of what contributed to my burnout, though I definitely didn’t realize this at first.

Continuously using Passive behavior leads to feeling like we're being used, or feeling like the victim. We never get what we want and we're always a doormat.

It may preserve the peace in the moment, but the long-term cost can be high.

There are certainly times when this is a communication style we may feel we need to use, but if you are in that situation, the next question you need to ask yourself is, "Is this the right place for me?"

If you can't feel OK with saying what you need, then that's the time to look more closely at what's happening, because this is an unhealthy way to "preserve" a relationship. When someone expects you to passively go along to keep them happy and you in people-pleaser mode, that's a toxic dynamic.

It's hard to have to look at a relationship with that sort of a critical lens, but if you are already suffering, especially in burnout, this is an important place to do some self-work.

I still feel myself falling back into this communication type and now, when I see it, I stop and question it. I can’t go back to willingly ignoring all my needs. I have to figure out the underlying issue and start to address it.

If you find yourself using Passive communication or generally feeling like a doormat, start to explore where this is coming from, especially if you are already in burnout.

If you want someone to talk to who’s been there, you can reach out to me at my Dandelion Fields Community.