How I’m Healing, Part 1: Passive Aggressive Communication

[Note: this post was originally published on Substack February 3, 2025] 

Learning about Communication Types is a key to Healing

In my last post, I talked about realizing that my people-pleasing and codependent behaviors are still hanging around, waiting for me to get stressed out, then come out of the woodwork and bully their way into my behavior. There was a protective mechanism these behaviors were serving at one time in my life, but they no longer serve me, and I need to figure out how to move past them.

You see, when you grow up needing to be quiet and submissive to survive, passive aggressive communication is often the only thing that feels “safe.” You can’t say your words out loud, or you get in trouble. You don’t know how to set a boundary because no one has taught you (because no one taught them – not blaming anyone here). But the body knows it still needs to get out these feelings somehow, so passive aggressive communication becomes a go-to.

Since these behaviors keep showing up in my relationships, I knew I needed to do some more work here. When it comes to relationships, that almost always means looking at communication.

In my work on boundaries, I have learned about unsuccessful communication styles and how they keep us from setting and holding boundaries. I really appreciate Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace (highly recommended! NOT an affiliate link, I make no money off of this recommendation), where I first learned in detail about these terms and how they impact us. (No, I haven’t been living under a rock! I’ve known the terms for a long time, but actually learning exactly what they meant and how they show up in real life has been a more recent learning for me.)

There are four main unsuccessful communication types: Aggressive, Passive, Passive Aggressive, and Manipulative. I'm starting with Passive-Aggressive because it's the most common and the one that I have fallen back on many times myself. It’s also part of what I believe was the cause of the latest friendship crisis. As I said, I'd heard the term before, but didn't have a clear understanding of what it meant or, especially, how it was hurting me.

We often use passive-aggressive communication to avoid setting a boundary. We act out how we feel without actually saying how we feel. The other person, not being a mind-reader, often doesn't pick up on what you are feeling, and often just thinks you're being "moody" or uncooperative, but has no clue as to why.

When I think about my people-pleasing and codependency behaviors, passive-aggressive communication is a shining star. Giving in to other people's wants and needs while ignoring your own is probably the quickest way to slip back into to passive-aggressive communication.

Both people-pleasing and codependency behaviors require that I ignore what I need in order to keep others happy or keep the peace in a relationship. However, those feelings of not getting what I need don't disappear.

They show up in various ways like:

• Appearing upset but refusing to admit it

• Making verbal attacks not related to the current situation

• Being moody for no known reason

• Bringing up issues from the past

• Engaging in problem-focused complaining

• Gossiping about things you could fix but have no intention of addressing

(These are examples from the book, but I've done all of these and probably a few dozen other versions of this in my past.)

At some point, things break down. They have to. No one can suppress all those feelings and not suffer consequences. So, how do you heal from this?

You learn how to set boundaries using your words, not relying on mind-reading. That is: using clear communication with the other person.

You learn that, as uncomfortable as it may feel to state what you need, living in a state of people-pleasing or codependency is a far worse feeling in the long run.

Feel bad for a little bit right now, or feel bad for a long time both now and later. Learning how to manage that initial discomfort is an important part of learning how to set boundaries and becoming more confident about using them.

So, what is clear communication? It's stating exactly what you want or saying "no," and dealing with your own discomfort at setting a boundary.

It can be as simple as, "Please send me a text if you're going to be late to our meeting."

The other side of a boundary is having a consequence if the other person doesn't do what you asked them to do. This means knowing what your tolerance is for a situation and setting a limit on what you will hold yourself and others accountable to.

For the example above, maybe the consequence is, “If you can’t be on time for our meeting and don’t let me know, then I will not be available to meet with you.” It isn’t that the world will end, or anything so dramatic. It’s simply that there will be delays if the other person can’t or won’t uphold their end of the bargain. No need for drama or yelling, just a simple statement of what will happen.

For me now, the work is to remember my mindfulness and stay calm when I start feeling all the anxiety and stress starting to pressure me. When I can do that, I can think clearly about what the situation is and what I need. I can think about the words I need to say – out loud to the other person – so we are both clear on what I need, how I can work with them for what they need, and where the boundary is.

Note:

This work is part of a course I developed for my new online community for people recovering from burnout, Dandelion Fields. If you are someone recovering from burnout, or know someone that is, please reach out. I’d be happy to talk more about it and what it offers. I hope you will explore what it has to offer and share it with those who may need this sort of support for their own healing journey.

I will continue to publish what this work has meant for me in my healing journey, because it’s all connected. What I have learned I have put into that community. As I continue to learn, I will continue to update that information as well as support the community of people there through their own healing journeys.