“Forgiveness”, my way

[Note: this post was originally published on Substack March 02, 2023]

Learning to let go

I would not be able to speak now about the things that I experienced without the lessons I learned about "forgiveness". I'm not talking about the "forgive and forget" that I heard all through my childhood. That never resonated with me. It sounded like I had to let someone get away with, or even condone, their bad behavior towards me. That was not OK with me. I needed something deeper but had no idea what I was looking for.  

I started in therapy many years ago and it was key in helping me move towards a healthier place. What therapy didn’t help me with was that forgiveness piece. I was still missing it. Several years after therapy, a friend recommended a meditation app to me. I'd never been good at meditation. When I’d tried it before, there was either too much music distracting me, or they wanted me to start at 15 or 20 minutes per session, or they gave that “clear your mind of all thoughts” direction. Uh-huh. Right. Who were these people anyway? 

This app was different from my previous experiences. First, it wanted me to start with a very short meditation, only 3 minutes! Next, no background music, just silence and some helpful guidance, including that the thoughts are always going to be there. My goal now was to let them pass by without getting attached to them. Heck, I can do that, at least sometimes!  

I continued to use the app and have found a deep gratitude in what I have learned from it. I still practice meditation every day with it. What helps me stay with it is that I do it on my own terms:  

• I'm not a morning person, so I meditate at night. If I can do more, I do, if not, that’s OK. 

• I've done many courses and learned many different techniques, but still have good days where I'm really focused and days where I'm not. I just keep doing it anyway. There’s no “grade” or “performance evaluation” on how well I meditated that day. 

This experience was also my first exposure to the Zen Buddhist concepts of Acceptance and Patience. It helped me start recovering from being haunted by traumatic memories, which led me to being able to come to a sort of "forgiveness", as we define it in our modern western culture.  

Being Present  

Being in the moment, being present, and accepting life as it is; this is a foundation of mindfulness. Living in trauma and memories is to live in the past. Ruminating on what happened and who wronged me, these were all ways I continued to experience the bad events, over and over, for years. No one can change the past, none of these things can be unsaid or undone. I needed to start to detach from those thoughts. I needed to get to where I was living in the present. 

In case you're wondering, yeah, this is NOT easy, and it did NOT happen in one bright, shining moment. There was also more therapy involved. I can assure you that learning to live in the present is hard when the past is alive and well in your head every single day! 

Acceptance 

However, as I started to separate past from present, I was able to start lowering my defenses enough to start allowing some Acceptance to enter my world. It helped me put things in perspective. I was able to realize that even though those things had happened, they were not happening NOW. There was also nothing that could bring back or change what had happened. It simply was.  

Boundaries 

I also came to understand personal boundaries. This meant that as I accepted what happened, I didn't have to continue being exposed to those things.   Once I was able to put up my first strong personal boundary, that opened a door. Now I could start to think about creating boundaries around the past in my head and with those that continued to hurt me in the present. 

I could now accept what happened in the past, and I didn't have to continue to allow it to harm me. I didn't have to remain in relationship with the person who harmed me, especially since I knew they would never apologize or even recognize there was harm done. My boundary was in protecting myself from future harm from that person. This also meant I was no longer in victimhood to that person. Being released from my internal mental victimhood? Priceless. 

Patience 

This practice is ongoing. I've had to do this with other people from my past. It's also only a part of my healing journey. I have bad days, where I must dig back in to find my Patience and Acceptance and rebuild my empathy and compassion for myself and for others all over again.  

Is this the Merriam-Webster version of forgiving? Not really. There is no pardon or absolution involved, but I'm also not hurting myself by remaining in trauma, victimhood, and resentment. Being present, having acceptance, creating boundaries, and having patience with ourselves are some of the crucial steps to post-traumatic growth.  

If you are hurting from past traumas, I offer that there are other ways of perceiving these concepts like forgiveness than just the "forgive and forget" or "full pardon" versions we talk about in western culture. Learning that there can be a way forward is a life-affirming release from the heavy weight of traumatic memories that continue to hurt us. Have curiosity and an open heart and mind. Listening to what your body resonates with is your first step. You never know where you will find your healing.